If you're thinking about a career in politics, you should know that it's not as easy as it looks. Lucky for you, I know all there is to politics, and I'm feeling generous enough to pass on a few pieces of advice. By following my advice, I guarantee success.
First, choose your party. You have two choices, Democrats or Republicans. That's it. Don't even consider a third party. They're nothing but fascists/communists, and you're not a communist, are you?
You may be thinking, "How do I choose my party?" Well here are some key phrases that each party adheres to, just pick the one that you like best.
Republican: "Tax breaks," "No," "Communist"
Democrat: "WAHHHHHHHHH"
Or perhaps you'd prefer a short description? Republicans are jerks, and Democrats are six-year-old girls. Hope this helps.
Now that you've chosen your party, you have to get elected, which means you need to raise millions of dollars. Before, you'd have to do fundraisers to come up with that kind of cash, but thanks to recent legislation, you have another option: become a corporate whore. Yes, just promise business friendly bills, and you'll be rolling in campaign dollars. Some people may accuse you of selling out, but they're just jealous of your success. The only thing you sold is your love of corporate enterprising. After all, it worked so well for Leo.
Raising money isn't the only part of campaigning, though. Remember, the most important part of campaigning is having the right image. This means wearing a $300 suit (minimum) and relating yourself to the average American. Seriously, who doesn't have $300 to spend on a suit. Illegal immigrants, that's who.
While having the right image is important, it's not enough. You also have to make your opponent look bad. It's easy, really. If you're a Democrat, accuse Republicans of only caring about the interests of the wealthiest citizens. If you're a Republican, accuse Democrats of being communists. Remember, it's not slander if it has even the slightest connection to the actual truth. That's why Obama is a foreign born Muslim terrorist, after all. That's a FACT.
Congratulations on your victory Mr./Madam Senator/Congressperson/President/etc. You may think it's over, but you're forgetting the most important part of politics: the re-election. The first thing to remember is that it's never too early to start your campaign. In fact, stop celebrating your election right now. You have campaigning to do. Don't worry about the legislation and decision making, that's not your job. Your job is to hold office for as long as possible. This means you have to keep the people happy, and nothing makes them happier than doing nothing about important issues and bickering over even the smallest of issues. You also shouldn't take a stance on controversial issues, like abortion or gun control, but you have to be vocal and unwilling to compromise of things that don't matter, like the color of prison jumpsuits (they should be as emasculating as possible, by the way. That's why anyone who doesn't vote for bright pink is a liberal fascist). Remember this though, it's a lot easier to get re-elected than it is to get elected.
That pretty much covers it. I know this may sound like a cynical view of government, but that's only because the liberal media has filled your heads with the wrong idea of what the government does. The role of government is to do as little as possible for as long as possible, pushing all important decision making onto future generations, even if it'll be too late by then. What? Did you honestly believe that governments were supposed to protect the rights and freedom of its people by making tough, but not necessarily popular decisions for the betterment of the country? You're so naive, and wrong. Mostly wrong.
First, choose your party. You have two choices, Democrats or Republicans. That's it. Don't even consider a third party. They're nothing but fascists/communists, and you're not a communist, are you?
You may be thinking, "How do I choose my party?" Well here are some key phrases that each party adheres to, just pick the one that you like best.
Republican: "Tax breaks," "No," "Communist"
Democrat: "WAHHHHHHHHH"
Or perhaps you'd prefer a short description? Republicans are jerks, and Democrats are six-year-old girls. Hope this helps.
Now that you've chosen your party, you have to get elected, which means you need to raise millions of dollars. Before, you'd have to do fundraisers to come up with that kind of cash, but thanks to recent legislation, you have another option: become a corporate whore. Yes, just promise business friendly bills, and you'll be rolling in campaign dollars. Some people may accuse you of selling out, but they're just jealous of your success. The only thing you sold is your love of corporate enterprising. After all, it worked so well for Leo.
Raising money isn't the only part of campaigning, though. Remember, the most important part of campaigning is having the right image. This means wearing a $300 suit (minimum) and relating yourself to the average American. Seriously, who doesn't have $300 to spend on a suit. Illegal immigrants, that's who.
While having the right image is important, it's not enough. You also have to make your opponent look bad. It's easy, really. If you're a Democrat, accuse Republicans of only caring about the interests of the wealthiest citizens. If you're a Republican, accuse Democrats of being communists. Remember, it's not slander if it has even the slightest connection to the actual truth. That's why Obama is a foreign born Muslim terrorist, after all. That's a FACT.
Congratulations on your victory Mr./Madam Senator/Congressperson/President/etc. You may think it's over, but you're forgetting the most important part of politics: the re-election. The first thing to remember is that it's never too early to start your campaign. In fact, stop celebrating your election right now. You have campaigning to do. Don't worry about the legislation and decision making, that's not your job. Your job is to hold office for as long as possible. This means you have to keep the people happy, and nothing makes them happier than doing nothing about important issues and bickering over even the smallest of issues. You also shouldn't take a stance on controversial issues, like abortion or gun control, but you have to be vocal and unwilling to compromise of things that don't matter, like the color of prison jumpsuits (they should be as emasculating as possible, by the way. That's why anyone who doesn't vote for bright pink is a liberal fascist). Remember this though, it's a lot easier to get re-elected than it is to get elected.
That pretty much covers it. I know this may sound like a cynical view of government, but that's only because the liberal media has filled your heads with the wrong idea of what the government does. The role of government is to do as little as possible for as long as possible, pushing all important decision making onto future generations, even if it'll be too late by then. What? Did you honestly believe that governments were supposed to protect the rights and freedom of its people by making tough, but not necessarily popular decisions for the betterment of the country? You're so naive, and wrong. Mostly wrong.
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